Relationships and Validation 

If you’re on social media as much as I am, you’ll notice that a lot of things revolve around love and relationships. Pictures on Instagram of couples with captions that read: Relationship goals, tweets about craving love and doubts about finding it, and statuses on Facebook about finding the right one. What is this obsession with relationships? Why is this seen as one of the most important things for a young person? We’re supposed to be finding ourselves but instead we’re more worried about finding a significant other! Why is that?
I’ve been boy crazy since I was a little girl. My mother told me I couldn’t have a boyfriend until I was around sixteen, but that didn’t stop me from wishing. I started suffering with low self esteem around sixth grade. I would constantly seek validation from other people. I fantasized about having a boyfriend to make me feel beautiful and loved. I looked at couples from television and movies as my inspiration. I’d listen to love songs and wish that I could relate. Other girls had boyfriends in middle school. I thought if I had a boyfriend too, I’d be so happy. This caused me to desperately chase after boys who obviously had no interest me. I was delusional and would tell myself that they liked me because I needed validation from them. 

This constant need for validation from other people has caused me to be involved in toxic relationships and with people I wasn’t necessarily interested in. I enjoyed having someone there to tell me how attractive I was and how much they loved me. I depended on these relationships to make me happy. It wasn’t healthy at all. 

A few months ago, I finally realized that it was toxic for me. I broke up with someone I loved because I didn’t want to continue teaching myself that I needed a relationship to be happy. I suffered emotionally in some relationships because I didn’t want to let go. I felt safe. I realized that I needed to find that happiness and validation within myself. I do not need a boyfriend to tell me how pretty I am, I know I’m pretty. I do not need a boyfriend to tell me how smart I am, I know I’m smart. And I do not need a boyfriend to tell me he loves me, I love myself. Sure, companionship is nice. But it’s not necessary. Plus, I’m only nineteen. I’m still learning about myself and trying to become who I want to be. There’s no rush to be committed to anyone. 


My Experience with Misogynoir

Misogynoir is the combination of racism and sexism directed towards black women. This term was coined by Moya Bailey, a black queer feminist scholar.


I didn’t learn about the term until about a year ago, but I’ve experienced it all of my life. Recently, I’ve been feeling more emotional about it. Sometimes I have to avoid social media apps like Twitter because it’s filled with misogynoir. I constantly see tweets bashing black women, even by black men. I’ve even seen other black women do it. Some of those tweets get tons of retweets and likes. They get a lot of people in their mentions agreeing with them while black women are left defending themselves. There’s a post I see often where it says “seeing a guy and wondering if he’s into black girls, even if he’s black” or something like that. That is too relatable.




I don’t see a lot of dark skinned women getting representation in the media. Girls like Amandla Stenberg and Zendaya often get the lead roles. Darker skinned women can be cast in roles like being the sassy sidekick or the desperate single woman. Examples would be Nikki Parker from The Parkers or Pam from Martin. Black women are also portrayed as caricatures by black men like Eddie Murphy and Tyler Perry. Even black women who are regarded as sex symbols tend to be lighter skinned or biracial. Examples would be Rihanna and Beyoncé. I will admit that I am starting to see more darker skinned black women in the media now. We still have a long way to go but I am happy that progress is being made. I want little dark skinned girls to see more women that look like them on television.


For years, I would hear rap lyrics of men stating their preferences for light skinned women or “foreign women”. I remember being in seventh grade and hearing “Right Above It” by Lil Wayne. Hearing that line, “Beautiful black woman, I bet that bitch look better red”, still bothers me to this day. Even at school, a lot of boys would state their preferences for lighter skinned girls. I’ve had a few friends say that to me also. I remember a guy telling me that I needed to stay out of the sun because I was already getting “too dark”. Imagine how many black girls grew up feeling like they were “too dark”.


The lack of outrage that black female victims of sexual assault and violence upsets me. Sometimes they don’t even get support from other black women. The first example that comes to mind is R. Kelly. Black women go hard for that man and all of his known victims are black women. While other entertainers are getting called out for their predatory behavior and being blacklisted, R. Kelly is untouched. There is a lack of outrage for the things he’s done and I know that his victims being black plays a part in it. People even make jokes about the things he’s been accused of doing to those women. Another example would be Kenneka  Jenkins, a girl from Chicago who had been raped, murdered, and found in a freezer. Her story only received outrage from black people on social media. But there were also people who joked about her death and victim blamed her. Memes were even made about her and pictures of her dead body went viral. The investigation of Jenkins’ murder was closed a few months ago.


Black women are constantly accused of being angry and bitter even when our anger is justified. There are numerous stereotypes about black women. We’re baby mamas, promiscuous, welfare queens, single mothers, hood rats, have no hair, aggressive, and that’s just some of them. Those aren’t just words. They affect how people view us. It affects how we view each other and ourselves. We’re also  expected to have big breasts and big butts which can cause body image issues. That body standard also had an affect on me when I was younger.


I try to rise above misogynoir and to not let it affect me. There’s so much negativity in this world that sometimes it’s hard to avoid it. I am much stronger than I used to be. Misogynoir used to make me feel bad about myself. It still gets me upset sometimes, but I will not allow it to make me hate myself. I am not ashamed to be a black woman.

Stop Slut Shaming


It’s 2017 and women’s bodies are still offending people. This is getting really old. A woman has the right to cover up her body and she has just as much of the right to show it off. We can have sex or we can choose not to. That is no one else’s business.


Men post pictures of their bulges and abs all over social media. Not a problem. Men can send unsolicited pictures to women. Not a problem. But as soon as a girl posts a picture showing off her body, there’s a problem. I always hear this word “self respect”. If a woman shows off her body then that means she has no self respect. That’s not true at all. The word is pretty self-explanatory. It means you have respect for yourself. You can’t judge self-respect by a picture. But if that was the case, men who take half naked pictures and dick pics also have no self respect. If you’re gonna shame the women for posting pictures, shame the guys in the comments thirsting after them. Sometimes they’re the same ones bashing those women.


A woman showing off her body does not mean she’s asking for it. Not only is that victim blaming, that’s just a creepy thing to say. The way a woman’s dressed justifies her being harassed or raped? You have no right to anyone’s body no matter what they’re wearing.


We assume when a woman’s half naked it means she wants attention. I mean most people want attention. No one wants to be ignored. Anyone who posts pictures on social media clearly wants to be seen. That’s kind of the point of social media. So why do we shame those women for something everyone in social media does?


What’s up with some dudes shaming women for having sex? There are even guys that will shame a woman for having sex with them. What sense does that make? You want women to have sex with you but you want to bash them after they do it? There are even men out there who want a woman who’s a virgin while they sleep with whoever they choose. Also guys, stop expecting women to be virgins and experts at sex at the same time. And the whole “exposing” women for having sex is not only immature and cruel, it is a crime. You can end up on the sex offender’s list for that.


Stop shaming women like Cardi B and Nicki Minaj who aren’t afraid to express their sexuality. Stop pressuring them to be “good role models” while rappers like Kodak Black and XXXTentacion are never called out.  Stop shaming sex workers for doing what they can to make a living. Especially if you’re not going to shame the men that keep their business thriving. And if you’re one of those men, you definitely have no right to shame them.


Don’t even get me started on the women who participate in slut shaming. Bashing other women gets us nowhere as a whole. What works for one woman, might not work for the other woman. We are all different and we need to support each other instead of tearing each other down.


The point of this post was that slut shaming is annoying and it makes no sense. Women are shamed for not showing enough and not wanting to have sex. Then women are shamed for having sex and showing “too much”. It’s misogyny and it needs to die.

Women Don’t Owe You Anything

(If this offends you, it’s probably because you are guilty of these beliefs. Get over yourself and do better.)
Women are not here for your satisfaction, to make you feel like a “man”, or to turn you on. We should be able to reject a man without fearing for our lives. Stop invalidating our feelings by calling us crazy, bitchy, emotional, and overdramatic. Our emotions are just as valid as yours.

Women are allowed to call you out when you’re wrong .

We are allowed to not accept your apology.

We are allowed to break up with you.

We are allowed to not want your attention.

We are allowed to say no.

We are allowed to not smile at you or accept your “compliments”.

We are allowed to not want to be around you.

We are allowed to only want to be friends.
One of my friends always makes me feel like I’m a “mean” girl because I don’t find attention from creeps flattering. My ex would say things that I disagreed with and when I called it out I was just being “argumentative”. I grew up thinking that the most important thing was for men to find me attractive. I used to feel that I had to be nice to men even when they made me uncomfortable. I thought that I should be flattered whenever I got attention from men. I believed that I should settle for any man that was interested in me, even if I didn’t feel the same way.
A woman who talks about sex or dresses “revealing” does not owe you sex. She does not owe you a response.

You are not entitled to sex from a woman just because you are nice. It doesn’t make you a good guy. It makes you a creep.

Just because a woman wants a relationship doesn’t mean that she has to want one with you.

Women are not required to do anything because you like it. We do not have to be submissive. We don’t have to be “natural” or wear makeup for you. We don’t have to dress “revealing” or “conservative” for you. We do not have to lose weight or gain weight for you. We do not have to dumb ourselves down or be quiet because it makes you feel more confident. Women do not exist to make men happy.

Weinstein and Power: A Discussion on Sexual Assault

You’ve probably heard all of the recent stories about Harvey Weinstein, the powerful Hollywood producer that been accused of sexual assault and harassment. Weinstein has been accused by multiple women including Mira Sorvino, Gwenyth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, and Rose McGowan. The latter used Twitter as a platform to tell her story. McGowan has accused Weinstein of rape. She reported it to the CEO of Amazon but nothing was done about it because he needed more “proof”. McGowan received $100,000 as a settlement deal. Her Twitter account was locked after her series of tweets. Twitter claims to have only locked her account because she used a private number.

Weinstein isn’t the only big Hollywood name who has been accused of sexual assault and harassment recently. Ben Affleck condemned Weinstein’s actions and was called out by McGowan for knowing about it the entire time. Affleck has also been accused of sexual harassment and assault. Multiple women have said that he grabbed their butts at the 2014 Golden Globes Party. Affleck was seen on camera groping Hilarie Burton’s breasts on MTV’s “TRL”. The head of Amazon Movie studios, Roy Price was suspended after being accused of sexually harassment by executive producer, Hackett Dick. Oliver Stone was accused of sexual harassment and assault by Patricia Arquette and Carrie Stevens. Terry Crews has also accused a producer of groping him at a party, bringing light to the fact that men are also victims of sexual harassment.

People often ask why victims wait so long to speak up. These stories are a perfect example. The ones who were accused are (or presumed to be) big names in Hollywood. People like Harvey Weinstein and Oliver Stone have the power to blackball an actress’s career in seconds. Imagine what accusing Harvey Weinstein of sexual harassment or assault could do to an actress. Who do you think people are more likely to side with? The well-known producer or the actress trying to get her foot in the door? Terry Crews couldn’t even defend himself because he feared that he would be stereotyped as just a big, violent black man. They used their power to take advantage of people.

These stories make me think of my experiences. I have dealt with sexual harassment and assault as I have discussed in a previous blog post. A lot of it happened in school, mainly from the football team. Football players would make lewd comments towards me and grope me. I didn’t think much of it because I never knew that it was wrong. I experience it on the streets as well. I continue to get catcalled, honked at, followed around. I’ve even been groped. It’s scary because you never know how far these men will go. I fear to make them angry because of the horror stories I’ve heard about other women. These men use their power and strength to intimidate women. Football players at my school not only used their power and strength but their popularity also. One of the reasons that I never reported being sexually assaulted is that I knew that people would side with the popular football player over someone like me. I feared that my reputation would be dragged through the mud.

In a way, I feel that society has normalized sexual assault and harassment. The fact that our president has bragged about sexual assault and been accused of it by multiple women doesn’t make it any better. There are many victims out there who are afraid to speak up because of how often we see victim blaming. It’s sickening to see society treat the victims as if they were the ones that were accused. I hope that these high-profile stories open up more discussions about sexual assault. Many of us sweep the subject under the rug even though it affects so many people. Sexual assault is a serious topic and it’s important that we educate ourselves on it.

Take A Knee


It’s football season and of course, the NFL is the topic of discussion. But the latest discussion isn’t about football, it’s about the NFL players’ choice of protest: kneeling during the national anthem. Sunday, 150 NFL players took a knee or protested in other ways. Some stood but locked arms as a form of solidarity. Some teams did not even come on the field while the national anthem played. Many people think this is a protest against the flag. “Patriotic” Americans are calling the protest disrespectful and a slap in the face for veterans who died for their freedoms. The president demands that the players be fired for exercising their right to protest. He is also calling for a boycott of the NFL, which will take money from the pockets of the NFL owners who supported him. Isn’t that funny?

This protest has nothing to do with the flag. It has nothing to do with the national anthem. This protest is against police brutality. The kneeling form of protest all started with Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was black-balled from the NFL simply for using his right to protest. After Trump’s ignorant remarks about NFL players protesting, many of players decided to follow Kaepernick’s lead.

There’s nothing wrong with what these men are doing. The first amendment gives everyone the right to peacefully protest. Nowhere in the law does it say every American must stand for the national anthem. This is a free country, right? Besides, the national anthem is problematic. Francis Scott Key wrote a song about freedom, while people of African descent were slaves on the same land. Also the line, “No refuge could save the hireling and slave; From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave”. So if someone did choose to protest the national anthem, I wouldn’t blame them for that.

It’s unfortunate that people are more outraged by kneeling during the national anthem than the reason there is a protest. Does a flag and song matter more than black lives? “Patriotic” Americans complain that these protests disrespect veterans. They say that veterans died for their right to protest. Well, if they died for that right then why can’t they use their rights? I also find it funny that the only time people mention veterans is to silence discussions on racism. I wonder how many of these “patriotic” Americans actually help our veterans. There are veterans out there who are mentally ill, homeless or both. How many of these “patriotic” Americans give money to charities for veterans? Do they speak up for the mistreated veterans?

NFL players have also been called ungrateful and been told that they have nothing to complain about since they are “rich”. People believe that these players owe America loyalty. It’s like saying, “How dare you complain, look at what we’ve given you!” It sort of reminds me of bigots who say that black people should all be grateful that our ancestors were slaves because we now live in America. I think some would like it better if black people were docile like many were during the slavery and Jim Crow eras. Those were the times when black people could put their lives in danger just for “disrespecting” a white person. I can’t forget to mention one of their most notable lines, “If you don’t like this country then leave”. Why is that a response when people speak out about racism? It’s almost as if they know there is racism here and they are completely comfortable with that. Hmm..

To sum it all up, I support the protest. If Nazis have the right to “protest” with tiki torches in their hand then NFL players have the right to kneel! I’m tired of people picking and choosing who and what freedom of speech applies to. I do hope that one day people will focus more on police brutality instead of the national anthem. But, maybe I’m being too optimistic.

Body Image


body image – “a subjective picture of one’s own physical appearance established both by self-observation and by noting the reactions of others “


I didn’t start paying too much attention to the size of my body until high school. I used to be really skinny.  I had a small chest, small butt, small everything. Never really thought much of it. That wasn’t until people started making comments about my body and other women’s bodies. Boys would thirst over the girls who had curvy bodies. The girls with big breasts or a big butt, or both. Then boys would see me. They’d say exactly what was on their mind. They’d make comments about how small my breasts were. They’d say my breasts were too far apart. They’d tell my I had no butt.  In their eyes, I paled in comparison to girls with curvy bodies. And honestly, it hurt.


Fast forward to around 2015. My body started developing more. I started to have a curvy body. Men and women would compliment me. I felt better about my body because other people liked my body, which wasn’t healthy at all. About a year later, I put on more weight and my stomach was no longer flat. People would comment on my weight and tell me I was getting fat. I was ashamed to wear crop tops or to even take pictures from an “unflattering” angle. I remember my ex saying “Lose that.”, as he pointed down at my stomach. I hated my body.


I decided that it was time for me to become “fit”. I wasn’t choosing that for myself, I chose it for others. Everyday I stressed on what I ate. I exercised whenever I could. Exercising is never a bad thing but I was doing it for all of the wrong reasons. Everyday I’d take a look in the mirror at my stomach to see if it had gotten smaller. I’d check out the size of other girls stomachs. I’d look at Instagram models and roll my eyes at how “fit” their bodies were.


I see so much body shaming on social media and television. We’ve seen Rihanna being shamed for gaining weight. We’ve seen women like Kim K. and Beyonce being shamed for gaining weight while pregnant. We’ve seen Gabourey Sidibe and Ashley Graham being shamed for simply being comfortable with their bodies. We’ve even seen Serena Williams be shamed for being too muscular. It’s all bullshit. We’re so brainwashed by the images we see everyday that we think it’s unnatural for a woman to have anything but an hourglass figure. Then when a woman does have what some may view as the “perfect’ body, she’s fake. No one’s ever satisfied, and that’s why it’s important to not give a damn how anyone else feels about your body. No one deserves to power to tell us what we should look like. Learning to love yourself is a process, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey.